"No good deed goes unpunished."
5 days ago I got into some serious trouble with my boyfriend after spending too much time with a friend of mine named Travis. I had acted out of the realm of what is acceptable for a girl in a committed relationship. After sleeping on the couch –or rather crying on the couch all night—and much groveling, Mike forgave me. And in bed, he even let me turn on the electric blanket. The fight was on Sunday and by Wednesday we were back on for date night.
On Thursday morning, I woke up with something weighing heavily on my heart. I needed to get my feelings off my chest. I did what I thought was right, what I thought was the best idea: to put things as clearly as possible to Travis. I sent him an email:
Travis,
I demanded complete honesty and forthrightness from you, so I suppose I have to return the favor. I have been incredibly selfish. My actions have not been good for you, for me or for Mike. Mike especially. My relationship with him is the most important thing in my life, and lately I have been putting that relationship in great jeopardy. I cannot keep pushing boundaries of what is acceptable when he isn't around.
On Sunday when I got home, he was nearly in tears. He thought that you and I had only hung out for a couple hours and that I was simply late getting home. But. when he found out that we had been together for 12 hours yesterday, he was really heartbroken. And then it just got worse as I told him about our day. He was so upset with me that he left for a little while and took the car, only to find a gift you had given me in the car door. I have been put in a really awkward position here too, although I should admit that I have done this to myself. And now I find myself having to keep things from him or worse, outright lie, either to protect him or you. It's like poison to my relationship. I have said things clearly to you, but not been clear in my actions. We can't call each other adorable. We can't send flirty facebook messages. I should not have accepted that gift from you. I can't let you put your arm around me. I can't spend entire days with you riding Ferris wheels. I haven't even done that with Mike before. I can't be at your apartment until 4am. I can tell him and I can tell myself that it's friendly, Cheryl is there, Anna and Rich are with us, or whatever. But where is the limit? I can rationalize a lot of things in my life, but I can't deny anymore that my friendship with you is hurting his feelings and crippling my relationship with my boyfriend.
He's begging me to find a solution to this problem. He has not forbidden me to see you anymore. He has shown remarkable restraint around you, even though he has told me that he's uncomfortable and angry with you. Honestly, he's been more forgiving in this situation than I've ever seen in him before. Any other man in his role would probably have exchanged words with you in the very least, if not done more. But he's not going to put up with this any longer. And I can't go through this with him. I love him too much to hurt him or make him angry or sad. And if he were close to a girl that upset me that much, I would expect him to respect me.
This is not the long term solution, this is just to allow me some time to repair damage done between me and him. But for a while, I can't see you anymore. I enjoy our time together. I had a really fun day with you yesterday. But I think I'm sending you the wrong messages, too. That's not fair to you; it's only holding you back from finding someone that you can really date, someone that reciprocates. I do not have feelings for you other than friendship and I believe I have been taking advantage of you and my boyfriend's patience. I can only apologize for that. Selfishness is a really ugly quality in a person - you deserve better than that.
On Sunday when I got home, he was nearly in tears. He thought that you and I had only hung out for a couple hours and that I was simply late getting home. But. when he found out that we had been together for 12 hours yesterday, he was really heartbroken. And then it just got worse as I told him about our day. He was so upset with me that he left for a little while and took the car, only to find a gift you had given me in the car door. I have been put in a really awkward position here too, although I should admit that I have done this to myself. And now I find myself having to keep things from him or worse, outright lie, either to protect him or you. It's like poison to my relationship. I have said things clearly to you, but not been clear in my actions. We can't call each other adorable. We can't send flirty facebook messages. I should not have accepted that gift from you. I can't let you put your arm around me. I can't spend entire days with you riding Ferris wheels. I haven't even done that with Mike before. I can't be at your apartment until 4am. I can tell him and I can tell myself that it's friendly, Cheryl is there, Anna and Rich are with us, or whatever. But where is the limit? I can rationalize a lot of things in my life, but I can't deny anymore that my friendship with you is hurting his feelings and crippling my relationship with my boyfriend.
He's begging me to find a solution to this problem. He has not forbidden me to see you anymore. He has shown remarkable restraint around you, even though he has told me that he's uncomfortable and angry with you. Honestly, he's been more forgiving in this situation than I've ever seen in him before. Any other man in his role would probably have exchanged words with you in the very least, if not done more. But he's not going to put up with this any longer. And I can't go through this with him. I love him too much to hurt him or make him angry or sad. And if he were close to a girl that upset me that much, I would expect him to respect me.
This is not the long term solution, this is just to allow me some time to repair damage done between me and him. But for a while, I can't see you anymore. I enjoy our time together. I had a really fun day with you yesterday. But I think I'm sending you the wrong messages, too. That's not fair to you; it's only holding you back from finding someone that you can really date, someone that reciprocates. I do not have feelings for you other than friendship and I believe I have been taking advantage of you and my boyfriend's patience. I can only apologize for that. Selfishness is a really ugly quality in a person - you deserve better than that.
I care about you. I think you're awesome. I will miss hanging out with you while we take this hiatus. This really is my fault. I should never have let this situation get anywhere close to this far. I'm sure this email and this quick fix seems a little drastic. But, I hope you understand that this is the right thing to do - for everyone involved.
Love,
Angie.
And I thought I did the right thing. As a friend to Travis and a girlfriend to Mike. I thought I was proving my love and commitment to my boyfriend that I cherish.
Until this morning. I called Mike at work to find out if he wanted me to make meatball subs for dinner. I was thrilled to cook this tonight because I knew he’d be so excited. He was silent on the phone with me and awkward. Defensive and curt. I asked him what was going on. And he stuttered a little and made a noise that sounded like the beginning of a sob. He read the email. He logged in to my email account just to check in. After this weekend, he lost his trust for me and succumbed to the temtation of spying. He found the email in my sent folder and it broke his heart. All he read in the letter was, “I call you adorable. I send you flirty facebook messages. I let you put your arm around me.” He told me what he saw and he hung up on me.
Tonight when I got home, he called me a cunt and punched a whole in the wall. He stormed out. He’s going to stay with his parents for a few days. I called a girlfriend to come get me. I couldn’t stay in my apartment. Lizbeth is letting me stay with her for the weekend.
I was telling this boy to get out of my life. I thought I was doing the right thing. But instead I got caught in a lie. I have been promising my boyfriend that I had no idea how Travis felt about me. I told my boyfriend that Travis had never told me that he liked me and that our relationship as far as I knew was completely platonic. Now everything is worse and I’m sleeping on the hardwood floor of a cold studio apartment.
