Friday, June 17, 2011

Joshua: Round 3






" One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry."

I’ve already talked a lot about my ladies, those near and dear to my heart lunatics that supply me love and drugs. Now it’s time to introduce some of my favorite men. When I was dating Mike, I didn’t have any guy friends – well, a gay here or there and a close girlfriend’s boyfriend. But those hardly count. I like my relationships with more uncertainty and a lot more sexual tension. Since Mike and I split, a surge of boys has exploded on to my scene – and I’m hoping they’ll all explode on my…

Nevermind.

It’d be too much information to write all in one blog, so over the next couple of days I’m going to tell stories about them all. First up, Joshua. 

Joshua and I have a decent amount of history already behind us. 3 years ago, right before I started dating Mike, I met Joshua at the birthday party of a friend. I don’t remember much about the party, except that night Lizbeth (who was my roommate at the time) started hooking up with the birthday boy – a former flame of mine – and Joshua and I got to gabbing about comic books or music or something else that proves how awesome I am. I distinctly remember being in a bedroom with other people around passing pipes and smoking stoags, and Joshua and I standing in the middle of it all ignoring everything around us and just talking. That kind of thing doesn’t happen to me very often.  Not that you can tell from how honest I am here, but I don’t open up to people in my real life very easily - especially not at parties. Even though we were having a lovely conversation, something was missing for me. I wasn’t quite attracted to him. I couldn’t put my finger on it. He was too close to my height, or I didn’t like his face. Who knows? Lizbeth and her new boyfriend - the birthday boy, my old flame and also Joshua’s best friend - pushed and pushed and really wanted to get us together. Over the next month or so, it was all she would talk about with me and a couple of times actually ambushed me with a double date. I had a boyfriend at the time, Bird; we were unhappy but I still felt like what Lizbeth was doing was weird. So nothing ever happened. It fizzled out just as abruptly as it began. That was round 1 with Joshua. Round 2 came about 6 months later when Bird and I finally did break up. If you’re following the time line of my dating history at all, you already know that Bird and I broke up because I started seeing Mike. Early in my relationship with Mike, I was adamant about not being exclusive.  In retaliation, even though it wasn’t what he wanted at all, Mike was sleeping with other girls too. Joshua suddenly appeared in my life again. I don’t even remember how. All of a sudden, he and I were hanging out together alone, and I was wearing his sweater to sleep in. Lizbeth ate every moment of this up. Despite spending a lot of time together, nothing physical ever happened. We would ride around and play each other music; we bonded over Jeff Buckley, Radiohead, Bjork, The Talking Heads. One night we ended up at a lookout point on Mulholland, looking down at the sea of lights known as “The Valley.” Very romantic. We stood there together, and if ever there was a moment to make something happen, that was it. I don’t think I got so much as a hand hold. Someday I’ll have to ask him what in the world he was thinking about that stopped him from throwing me on the ground and shoving his tongue in my face. Life is not the movies, as it turns out, and sometimes people just chicken out. I didn’t see him again after that. I decided to let it go and besides that, things with Mike were heating up to a point beyond control.
I didn’t see Joshua most of the time that Mike and I dated. He started dating a girl too. Every so often (like.. once a year), I would force Mike to come with me to see Josh’s band, Audiobahn, play. Once I wanted to go to Josh’s birthday party and had to make Mike go or else there’d be no other way I would be allowed. We fought the whole way there and when we finally arrived, there was a line to get in the bar and Mike just couldn’t stand the whole situation. We left. Apparently, Joshua’s girlfriend wasn’t super fond of me either. In my opinion, she found me threatening for no reason.  Maybe he failed to mention to her that he never really liked me enough to touch me.
Oddly enough, Joshua and his girlfriend broke up around the same time as Mike and I ended. Probably within two weeks of each other. It started as chatting on facebook, then texts and now we are hanging out again three years after Round 2 had crashed and burned. I see him all the time. We talk all the time. It feels like we're very close, like we have been this whole time and there wasn't a three year hiatus in our friendship. For a boy that doesn't like me much he sure does like to pretend otherwise. It is odd and beautiful and overwhelming. This is exactly what I wanted. This is exactly the reason Mike and I broke up – there’s a whole world of people and friends that I’ve missed out on because I wasn’t allowed to develop friendships. Having a boyfriend is ridiculous. All it does it hold you back.
I’m unencumbered this time, and time has done some good things to Joshua’s look, style, and demeanor. Suddenly he is attractive. Very. Maybe he always has been but I was distracted. Or maybe I’m just trying to conquer as many people as possible right now. Either way, I’m locked and loaded and ready for Round 3. Bring it on, Darlin.
 
I played this for you that night driving up to that lookout point. I didn't know then that it would be so true. I dedicate this to you and here's hoping it won't be true again ;)